New Scientific Theories
Winning entries from a recent contest for "new scientific theories" sponsored by Omni magazine.
4th Runner Up
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body,
the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
3rd Runner Up
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet.
The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use acronyms;
thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
2nd Runner Up
The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums.
This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures,
so they must yawn to even it all out.
1st Runner Up
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite
number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs,
they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
HONORABLE MENTION
The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant.
If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest,
causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet;
and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side down.
Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat.
When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity.
A buttered-cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant
buttered-cat arrays" could easily allow a high-speed monorail to
link between New York with Chicago.
Visitor Comments
The comments stated below are
not necessarily the opinions of Andy Hughes or DarkroomSource or Hughes Computer Consulting.
The Buttered Cat Array will not work. The buttered toast repels the cat, but the other side on the combination is the cat's feet - it will land on them!!
Contributed by
on 2001-01-08 00:00:00
lukily for me your name corresponds with a friend of mines, this is how i came accross your site. I have a cat and later on this afternoon i will be investgating your theory. Your "could" go down in history...
Contributed by
on 2002-06-10 00:00:00
Would this not work using two slices of toast with the butter facing out words or inwards. Cats like butter and would probally lick it of bringing the array to a premature halt.
Contributed by
on 2002-08-03 00:00:00
I like butter.My cat is like me. My cat walks on his feet and so do I.Therefore my cat likes butter and I will win!
Contributed by
on 2004-03-23 22:12:50
I set fire to a forest. The forest burnt down and my cat was making toast and the butter slipped off of his knife and put the fire out when it landed on the fire because of the law of gravity:)
Contributed by
on 2004-03-23 23:00:25
Would it not work if you just buttered the cats back?
Contributed by
on 2004-09-15 19:53:16
ok...first it was funny, then, with all y\'all talking, it just got weird. *butters the cat\'s back and lets him go WHEEEEEEEE$EEE!!!!* just to let y\'all know, it makes a big mess like like a hefty-bag full of vegetable soup hitting the pavement from tweleve stories!
Contributed by
on 2005-02-23 11:40:34
Ok... Here\'s something I bet a lot of people whanted to say... Ready for it... You are a retard... Of course the cat will not hover a little bit becouse you put a piece of toast on its back... please if you would like to talk about real theories then try iming me at drunkensake@hotmail.com I have an interesting theory about celeritus [ the speed of light ] if anybodies interested then your welcome.
Contributed by
on 2005-10-20 11:41:07
If you mix words of any word with the first and last letter in the proper position the human brain will have no trouble reading it!! Fascinating huh?
Anonymously contributed on 2006-05-22 13:14:14
I seriously hope that the people who posted those first few comments weren\'t actually serious and just playing along with wut Andy wuz obviously doin...if that\'s the case all i have to say is WWWWWWWOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!
Contributed by
on 2007-07-25 09:24:02
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