Thoughts for the day
What happened to the first 6 "ups"? What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? Who were the beta testers for Preparation A through Preparation G? If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? Why do women shave off their eyebrows, then paint them back on? Do bald people have 'bad head' days? What does Queen Elizabeth sing during the British national anthem? "God Save Me"? If all is not lost, where is it? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe him, but if he tells you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? If Jesus was Jewish, what's he doing with a Mexican name? How come you never hear about gruntled employees? If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is fog horn made out of? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Why do they sterilize the needle for a lethal injection? What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it a hostage situation?Grizzly bear warning
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoors men wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoors men to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoors men should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.The Moon
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.
Driving the wrong way
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"Class comedians
Who said children are getting dumber every year. Check out the wisecracks below and judge for yourselves TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George! TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me! TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are. TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card. TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet. TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money. TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
Thoughts to ponder
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of? When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your twocents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence? If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose? Why is a procrastinator's work never done? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
Newspaper Advertisments
The following were actually taken from recent newspapers, classifieds, and ads:1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM
WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART
DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH
IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL
TISSUE
89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20 YR WARRANTY.
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE:
LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED
CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES
- CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
$100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE
HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE:
TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE
LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR
SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE
PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED.
PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE.
ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER
$300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA
REGULAR OR TASTY
SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09
lb.
Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered like one of the family.
For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere else again.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.
Product labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods: On Sears hair dryer:Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. Some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head. On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: may cause drowsiness On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only. On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use On Sainsbury's Peanuts
Warning: contains nuts On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. On a Swedish chain saw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Culture in England
I was driving through the small town of Luton in Bedfordshire, England, with my boss and we passed a sign reading "Museum Of Luton's Culture." "Huh. That ought to take about ten minutes to see,' I scoffed. Without missing a beat my boss replied, "Why in God's name would you want to go through twice?"Hole digging
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
You might be a high tech redneck:
If you have old computers up on blocks in the front yard...
If your e-mail address ends in "over.yonder.com."
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."
If the bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop."
If your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."
If you wire your network with jumper cables.
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your deer rifle has laser-guided bullets.
If your baseball cap reads "IBM" instead of "CAT".
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
If your wife ever said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on.
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessie."
If your windows background and/or screen saver is a bitmap image of your favourite truck, tractor or farm animal.
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy y'all."
Top 10 Ways to tell your computer has been worked on by a redneck
10. The monitor is up on blocks9. Outgoing faxes are covered in tobacco juice
8. There is a gun rack mounted on the CPU
7. There's a can of Skoal in the CDrom drive
6. The front six keys on the keyboard are rotted out
5. There are tobacco stains on the screen
4. The number pad only goes up to 6
3. The keyboard is painted in camouflage
2. Windows starts up with Howdy Y'all
1. The mouse is refered to as a critter.
Bird Tags
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible." The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.Where's the plane going?
During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it.Everyone was then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for them. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement,
"We apologise for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
The big date
Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her, but he just wasn't interested.Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date for a Friday night!!
She was so excited all that week, she could hardly wait for Friday. Finally, Friday came.
As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.
Finally, 7 O'clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. "Hi Mikey!" she said, nervous as hell, and Mikey replied, "Suzie you look beautiful!!"
Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door-then IT hit her. Suzie realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God she thought, walking along, what am I going to do??
Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K.
So they get to the car, Mikey opens the door, and Suzie gets in. He closes the door, then she really rips one! She rolls down the window, and sees that he's just getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiles at Mikey as he gets in the car.
Then Mikey turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, "Suzie, I'd like you to meet my brother Carl and his date."
Irishman drinking
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him."So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
Two elderly gentlemen are talking
John: "This hearing aid is the best I've ever had, it cost three thousand dollars."William: "Oh really? What kind is it?"
John: "Half past four."
Excuses from parents for their children
"Please excuse Joyce from PE for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip." "Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33." "Chris will not be in school today because he has an acre in his side." "My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him." "Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault." "Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels." "George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach." "Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."Medical Humor
Nurse asks a girl if she is sexually active, and she says no, the nurse says "but you're pregnant, you must be" and the girl responds "but I just laid there, I wasn't ACTIVE"Quotations
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.-- Mark Twain A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. A government big enough to supply all your needs is big enough to take all you have.
--Thomas Jefferson Don't anthropomorphize nature. It really hates that. I started out with nothing....I still have most of it. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging! I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock. It was all so different before everything changed. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
How Gullible Are We?
A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:- Cause excessive sweating and throwing up
- It is a major component in acid rain
- It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
- Accidental inhalation can kill you
- It contributes to erosion
- It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
- It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
Worst Analogies
The following are Internet responses from teachers who were asked to submit the worst analogy ever received in an essay by a student.- The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
- McBride fell twelve stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
- From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and 'Jeopardy' comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
- Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hairs after a sneeze.
- He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
- The hailstones bounced off the pavement like maggots thrown in hot grease.
- They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences like Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
- John and Cheryl had never met. They were like two hummingbirds that had also never met.
- The thunder was scary, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken back stage during the storm scene of a play.
- His thoughts were all confused and tangled up, like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free.
- The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
News Shorts
Washington: The FDA has approved a new raspberry-flavored narcotic lollipop designed to allow patients to self-regulate the amount of painkiller they receive. Some members of the panel expressed concern about child safety, but the manufacturer claims the narco-pops are designed to be "unattractive to children..." remember kids, when it comes to innovative drug delivery technology in the form of raspberry-flavored narcotic lollipops, just say no... Nashville, TN: Two inmates sped away from the Tennessee State Penitentiary on Tuesday--in a golf cart. Prison officials said that if they were recaptured, James Bly and Daniel Dye "would likely lose their minimum-security status..." yeah, make 'em carry their clubs like the other prisoners... Lagos, Nigeria: Gangs of Muslim youths paraded through the streets of Lagos, Nigeria this week to protest an eclipse of the moon. The religious zealots harassed women and customers in hotels and beer parlors, blaming the "sins of the infidels" for the eclipse the night before... Paw Paw, MI At a celebrity auction, Debbie Dacoba of Paw Paw, Michigan paid $8,625 for a pair of Mr. Ed's horseshoes. She later told a reporter that she would keep the horseshoes in plastic, because specks of brown residue in the nail holes "could be manure, which I hope it is, because then I have a piece of him..." Netherlands: Workers moving a 75-million-year-old dinosaur skeleton for a museum exhibition accidentally dropped the crate, breaking the fossil into 188 pieces. Chigago, IL: An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.Visitor Comments
The comments stated below are not necessarily the opinions of Andy Hughes or DarkroomSource or Hughes Computer Consulting.How many babies must be squozen to produce one gallon of baby oil?Contributed by on 2000-06-25 00:00:00
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends on how hard you through them...Anonymously contributed on 2005-05-20 06:06:58
