What is your email address? *Required field - Needed to send you your MHM!

Note: Although it might appear amusing to fill out the exam and submit it with an enemy's email address, it isn't when you really think about it...For all of your hard work, your enemy may receive an MHM, thereby becoming cooler than you.

p e r s o n a l i n f o r m a t i o n

1. What's your full name?

2. Your age?

3. Hair colour?

4. Shoe size?

5. Elasticity factor?

6. Number of times you've woken up in a pool of your own vomit?

7. Number of times you've woken up in a pool of someone else's vomit?

8. Can you fit into any of the cabinets in your home? Yes. No.

8a. If yes, why has it been necessary to do so?

9. Are you sexist, racist and/or homophobic? Yes. No.

10. Are you stupid? Yes. No.

11. Are you considered a freak by other people's standards? Yes. No.

11a. If yes to 11, are you proud of this? Yes. No.

11b. If yes to 11a, how proud?

12. How many times a week do you call someone a 'punk'?

12a. A 'sucker'?

12a:1. SUCKER? I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!! HA HA HA HA HA!

12b. A 'Knobgobbler; Gobbler of Knobs'?

13. Have you ever joined a religious cult? Yes. No.

If you answered yes, please list which ones and mail Mad Hatter a brochure for it.

14. Have you ever put any clothes in the oven to dry them off? Yes. No.

15. Have you ever put any animals in the oven to dry them off? Yes. No.

16. Have you ever put any animals in the oven just for the hell of it? Yes. No.

17. (Use ctrl for multiple selections) Unnatural aversions to: Snakes. Ween. Needles. Butter. Americans. Canadians. Television. Pasta. alt.goth.

Other:

18. (Use ctrl for multiple selections) Cartoons you like: Eek the Cat. Tiny Toons. Animaniacs. Hammerman. The Simpsons. Models, Inc.

Other:

19. Do you have any samples for the Mad Hatter? Yes. No.

If you answered yes, then mail them immediately to him.

20. (Use ctrl for multiple selections) Prone to violent fits of: Depression. Anger. Sleep. Law Enforcement.

Other:

21. Have you ever sang 'You Are My Sunshine' to a Goth in public just to see them blush?

Yes. No.

22. Do you use Closed Captioning? Yes. No.

22a. If so, do you actually need to use Closed Captioning? Yes. No.

g e n e r a l k n o w l e d g e

1. If a tree fell in the forest, would anybody hear it, and why?

2. How about a train?

3. How about a large apartment complex?

4. If you suddenly realized that everyone in the world IS in fact out to get you, what would you do?

Tell the police.
Arm yourself and learn all the cheesy one-liners you can to say just before killing someone like a dog in the street, not that a lot of dogs get killed in the street of course, but the metaphor works.

Other:

5. How do you find the world? Nice. Evil. Look behind you.

Other:

6. Who complained when the metric system was introduced, "it will be a stumbling block and the source of difficulties for several generations... It's just tormenting the people with trivia!"?

7. 'Barbicide' is: Blue stuff. The systematic murder of all barbers. Spelled wrong. The systematic murder of all Barbie dolls.

Other:

8. The Mad Hatter is (check all that apply):

Talking graffiti. A morphinomaniac.
From Alice's Wonderland. From Alice's Restaurant.
More fun than Jenga. My hero.
The newest Beverly Hills 90210 character. An insomniac.
UNFLAPPABLE! Taking the fashion world by storm.
A more evil version of Telly, from Sesame Street. Some crazy figure skater.
The new spokesperson for Perfect Smile. A CYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYBERNAUT!!

Other:

9. What is the atomic weight of the phrase 'SCIENCE CAN EAT ME' when spelled out in the smallest font-set of colourful foam letters used on Sesame Street (no punctuation)?

10. Nathan Martinez is:

A Columbian drug lord.
A moron.
A seventeen year old boy from Utah who fell in love with the movie Natural Born Killers and then shot his mother and younger sister and drove north through three states along the way stopping to BUY the soundtrack to the movie. Not gun down everyone in the store and take it casually, but PAY for it and leave calmly.
A BIG moron.

Other:

11. Why does Mad Hatter not get Late Night With Conan O'Brien anymore?

Because the Global Television Network is duuuuuuuumb.

Other:

12. Any word beginning with 'cyber.'

Cheese.

Other:

13. Cheese.

Any word beginning with 'cyber.'

Other:

14. If Zeddy the Zellers Bear appeared in your room and offered to take you to a mystical, magical place, what would you do?

15. If you were stuck on a deserted island with Mad Hatter and your Significant Other and you could only rescue one other person besides yourself, what would you do?

16. In King Kong versus Godzilla, who wins and what is the tactical strategy used by the winner?

17. Jean Chretien is: The Prime Minister of Canada A Muppet All of the above

Other:

18. Television:

My friend.
My friend who sucks my imagination.
My friend who sucks my imagination and leads me down a dark path of violence, drugs and bad situation comedies.

Other:

19. Tipper Gore is: Satan's whore. Great! Censor everything! Wheeee! Suddenly very quiet.

Other:

20. "Don't Bob!" Funny. Not funny.

21. Happiness is: Too expensive. Boring.

Other:

22. Are you willing to send tapes/CDs of any kind to Mad Hatter?

Only all my really bad music. Only all my really good music. Only my Sesame Street album collection.

Other:

23. Are you a police officer?

Yes and I will now beat myself senseless for belonging to an organization of lechers that would stoop as low as giving Mad Hatter a speeding ticket.
No.

24. 2 + 2 is: 22. A math question.

Other:

25. The Canadian Stand-up Comedy Industry:

The WHAT? Mark Breslin is a weenie with ears.

Other:

26. The worst song. (Include name, group and album if possible.)

27. The best song. (Include name, group and album if possible.)

28. Jello Biafra: Why that reminds me! I think I'll go out and buy all of his albums again!

Other:

29. Keith Richards:

Proof that the living dead can play guitar. Proof that the living dead can stand upright...sometimes. Evil.

Other:

30. Trent Reznor: Can't shake this feeling from his head. There's a devil sleeping in his bed. Knows he's watching you from across the way. Cannot make this feeling go away. Knows its not the right thing. Knows its not the good thing. But kinda he wants to. Kinda he wants to. Not sure of what he should do. Every thought he's thinking of his you. All of his excuses turn to lies. Thinks maybe God will cover up his eyes. Knows its not the right thing. Knows its not the good thing. Kinda he wants to maybe just for tonight. Wants to pretend it's alright. Asks, 'what's the price I pay?'. Doesn't care what they say He wants to. He wants to (to to to to). He wants to (to to to to). He wants to (to to to to to to). He wants to (to to to to to to to to to). He wants to (to to to to to to to to to to to to to). Maladjusted.

Other:

31. Do you like the song 'End' by the Cure? Yes. No.

32. Barry Manilow: Did for music what Salmonella did for chicken. Is a sissy.

Other:

33. The Doors: Rule like a King on speed.

Other:

34. What's the first line of 'Territorial Pissings' by Nirvana?

35. Elvis is: Dead. Alive. OH, GET OVER IT.

Other:

36. The Canadian Music Industry.. The WHAT?

Other:

37. Ace of Base:

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADD!! Not to be confused with the popular fishing show, 'Ace of Bass'.

Other:

o r g a n i z a t i o n s a n d n e w s g r o u p s

1. The Cyberspacial Reality Advancement Movement (CRAM):

Funny. Very funny. Not funny.

Other:

2. The Addiction Research Foundation (ARF): Funny. Not funny.

Other:

3. Squash Canada: Real. Not real.

Other:

4. The Jihad Against Barney:

Awesome! I'm a member! Beating the last few tired, raspy breaths out of an old joke.

Other:

5. The Mad Hatter Fan Club:

Fun for kids because kids is stoooooopid. A demonstration of the art of misleading. The club with which Mad Hatter's fans are ritually beaten. Mad Hatter's evil undead army of the night.

Other:

6. alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk: Belongs to Mad Hatter. Belongs to Mad Hatter. Belongs to Mad Hatter. Belongs to Mad Hatter. Belongs to all the children of the world.

Other:

c o m m o n s e n s e a n d p r o b l e m s o l v i n g

1. If you're abducted by aliens, what should you do?

Distract them with nude pictures of Ed Asner. Play dead. Convince them you're a Jehovah's Witness and be returned immediately. Appease them with chocolate/sex.. or chocolate sex, I guess.

Other:

2. When you're attending a preview for a new Star Trek movie and a Trekkie stands up and begins proclaiming his love for said movie, what is the proper thing to yell at him?

"Shut up!" "You tell 'em! Star Trek rules! Yeah!" "When are they going to beam you up to the starship 'Loser?'"

Other:

3. Have you ever posted a "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! KURT COBAIN IS DEAD!!!" message to alt.music.nirvana? Yes. No.

4. If Mad Hatter approached you and asked for all of your money and possibly your pants as well, you would:

Give him everything. Give him the money but not the pants. Give him the pants but not the money. Pretend you didn't hear him.

Other:

5. The proper way to introduce yourself to Mad Hatter is:

"Hi, may I borrow your shoes?"
"Hello, I'm an editor for a large publishing company and I find everything you've ever written chillingly funny."
The above, but pretend and then say 'HA HA! JUST JOKING! NO MONEY FOR YOU, SUCKER! HA HA HA HA!' Then duck.
"Hi! I'm from Jo-Jo's Psychic Alliance! Ow, ow! Aahh! Ouch! Aaagh! No, not the blendderrrrr!!! AAAGGGHHH!!!!"
Slug him and wait patiently while he fetches a bat.

Other:

6. The proper line to say just before killing someone would be:

"Make like a tree and be chopped into little pieces by unionized timber workers." "Take this!" "Nice hair, monkey-boy." "These aren't silver bullets and you're no werewolf." "Guess it's time for them to beam you up to the starship 'Dead.'"

Other:

7. The proper line to say just after killing someone would be:

"Take THAT!" "HAH!" "Well, now you're dead." Simply pose gallantly. "I guess your friends'll have to start calling you 'Messy.'"

Other:

8. You're a dictator of a small country in the Middle East--

"But dictators are bad!"
"I am? COOL! FREE TWINKIES FOR EVERYONE!!"

9. And the United States is about to invade your country--

"Oh no!"
"BRING ON THE 'MERICANS! YEEEEHAAW!"

10. How do you defend yourself?

Use our catapults that shoot real cats! Reaowr! Scratch their eyes out, kitty! Cover the border with beer, potato chips and televisions showing football games. Shoot them. Repetitively.

Other:

11. "You're a big idiot." "Actually, I'm kind of small." "Shut up." "Go away or I'll tear out your eyes and skull-fuck you."

Other:

12. You're hanging over a fire in a tribal village about to be roasted alive. The proper thing to say to the natives is: "I said BUD light! Heh heh! Get it? Hello? HEY, LIGHTEN UP!"

Other:

13. You're losing at table tennis and there's no hope of catching up. What do you do?

Lose with honour. Pretend to choke on the ball and try to pity points out of your opponent. Cry. Draw a katana, soar over the table and plunge it into your opponents' heart. Laugh maniacally and mumble a lot after losing.

Other:

14. You've just gotten blurrily drunk.. What do you do?

Annoy your friends. Spin in circles. Perform the Field Sobriety Test on yourself. Dance like an idiot. Eat Golden Grahams. Enjoy the sensation of your face against the tile in your bathroom.

Other:

15. You're taking an exam you didn't study at all for:

Write, 'I CAN'T WRITE THE ANSWERS BECAUSE THE GUY BEHIND ME IS TRYING TO CHEAT OFF OF MY PAPER' on the exam.
Start a small fire, scream and run out the door.
Cheat.
Write, 'JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T WRITE THE ANSWERS DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T KNOW THEM' on the exam.

Other:

16. If God suddenly and dramatically appeared in your living room and told you he'd answer any question, what would you ask?

17. How do you get out of a headlock?

Lick the hand of the person holding you in said headlock. Scream, "GO GO GADGET EAR-SPIKES!".

Other:

18. You're rendered invisible by a shifty government experiment, what do you do?

Be constantly annoyed trying to brush your hair properly. Wear a propeller beanie and run around the street screaming. Tease bellboys.

Other:

c l o s i n g n o t e s